Micro-managing our kids

I was having a chuckle with my friend the other day about the fact her husband has this need to micro-manage every aspect of her son's life, instructing every little move, don't do that, do it like this, stop that now...

The conversation kind of hit home as actually I think that I could be guilty of exactly the same thing but in a very different way. Every single decision we make because of our daughter's difficulties have to have, it seems, a hundred different thought processes, even a decision like dinner can be complicated. Last night the kids were having dinner at their grandparents which should have been simple for us but the choice for us was do we quickly make something for ourselves now whilst they are out or eat after they have gone to bed. The preferred choice was after they had gone to bed as neither of us were particularly hungry at that moment but then we had to have the separate thought process of 'well if we wait till they have gone to bed what happens if Girl decides to have one of her meltdowns, it could be after 9pm until we eat...'  which was very possible after an afternoon at the grandparents and a pattern of meltdowns throughout the week. We decided to risk it and wait and prepared a dinner that could be cooked very quickly but this sort of micro-management is mentally exhausting, even trying to decide on a dinner we both fancied that could be coked quickly was a major conversation. As it happened Girl went to bed quietly so we enjoyed our dinner of steak and home-made chunky chips minus the anxiety.

Even the everyday language we use has to be carefully thought out which is very difficult,  the words said in the heat of the moment 'I'm not listening...' can tip Girl over the edge. My husband uttered those fateful words last week and the minute they left his mouth I cringed then quickly ran upstairs and found something to do, out of the way, if he's daft enough to say it, he can deal with it! He was actually just trying to point out that we are fed up of the whinging and whining but Girl can see those words as personal, that we don't want to hear her at all, that we don't love her. He knows we have to request that she try asking in a nice, appropriate way but well neither of us are perfect! I did go back down after five minutes to offer support but actually running away was the best thing at this time, it gave me chance to quickly and calmly think of a diversion or solution.